I am back in Ridgewood after being hospitalized for depression on December 22. I have cried myself dry over the past few days, not wanting to leave the hospital. I haven’t had a break down yet today, which I am surprized at. But I am riding a rollercoaster constantly on the edge of a melt down. Of heartache and sorrow.

My precarious state is most likely stemming from my living situation. This is both my and Dr. I’s opinion. He asked me yesterday if I wanted to delay discharge, but I wondered what the point of delaying the inevitable was.

Dr. I’s prognosis for what could happen over the next few weeks is scary, I will either work at preparing my house for a roommate, and then get one, or I will sink straight back into a dysfunctional state of severe depression. There doesn’t seem to be much of a middle ground here. Perhaps that is a good thing, I know what needs to happen. Will I be able to make it happen? That I am not so sure of.

ROOMMATE WANTED
I live by myself in the country with 2 dogs (indoor/outdoor) and a cat. I am looking for a mature, responsible christian woman. Rent will be $300 which includes utilities, internet, and a bedroom. I do not have a land line for phone. I live a simple, quiet lifestyle, but am looking for some company. Interested or know someone who is email me at mustardtree@hotmail.com

There, I’ve taken the plunge and made it public, to the 5 people who read my blog. LOL. Oh well, I gotta start somewhere.

Why am I here? Can someone remind me. Other women are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, growing old together with a partner, lover and friend. What am I doing here? In Eden, on this earth.

I spent new years eve alone and crying in the dark. I am so sad. I am broken.

Why God did You create me? Why can’t I be healed? How much longer must I endure?

Love God
Love others
Love myself

Love comes from God.
Depression tunes God out.
Therefore love is lost.
Voila – my reason for living vanishes.

This really resonates with me.

So, it looks like I will be heading back to Eden on Tuesday for a month. Life has been progressively getting more difficult. I am in living in crisis mode. Feeling more and more like life is nothing, not worth living. I am feeling worthless, ugly, stupid, hopeless. Suffering, drowning in blackness.

Over the past few weeks there have been days when I have thought, oh, maybe I am on the mend. Maybe this is going to end after all. But now I know that it won’t without intervention.

I believe that I have been fighting hard. It may not be much to anyone looking from the outside, but in my state, I have been fighting damn hard. I have not missed a youth event. I kept up with Hepzee’s training. I saw Dr. I and C. But it’s getting harder and harder. I cried in front of one of my girls yesterday. They are only 13-14 years old. I don’t pretend that life is peachy, but I don’t want to be crying in front of them. I am their leader, their mentor. I am supposed to be supporting them, and feel like I have not been doing a good job lately.

Hepzee. My almost 8 month old puppy. He is what would keep me from the hospital. I haven’t been admitted since I got him. When I was discharged last January my psychiatrist told me he didn’t expect me to get admitted again, ever. I’m not sure why he said that, it seems like such a grand statement.

I’m training Hepzee to be a therapy dog, and me being away for a month is going to set him back. Will it damage him? He is such a timid puppy. Scared of his own shadow some days. Who would be willing to take him for a month? I felt so much stress about asking someone to look after him for 2 nights, never mind 4 weeks. I can’t ask anybody, it’s far too much.

I’m going to miss him and Abby so badly I might not be able to handle it. I was away for 2 nights this weekend and it was awful. I can’t call from Eden to see how he is doing.

I have always taken my computer in the past and kept in contact with people that way, but it’s not working much anymore. Not enough to take it along. I don’t have money to get it looked at, it’s probably not worth it anyways.

Why did I get Hepzibah? Why couldn’t I have quashed the urge to get a puppy? Leaving Abby in the past has been hard enough, leaving a baby is so much worse. Abby loves going to Mom’s place. She settles in their quickly and gets spoiled.

Why am I alive? What is the point? What is the point of feeling better again only to sink into depression sometime in the foreseeable future? I think that the borderline in basically out of my system. I’m sure there will always be residual crap from going to that, but this feels like a chemical induced depression. Previously, there has always been a cause for the depression. Something happened and I reacted by shutting down. This time, the chemicals screwed themselves up and don’t want to balance themselves out again. Defective wiring.

I guess I don’t have much more to say. No one knows yet about this. I briefly talked to C this evening, but no one else. The conversation isn’t a very joyful one. “Mom, your first-born unsuccessful, unlucky daughter is going into the nut house again. I apologize in advance for the awkwardness/embarrassment it causes you. Take my dog, feed Kat, and water my plants. See you in a month.” That is being a bit sarcastic I suppose.

Well, Hephzibah officially has good puppy manners. He passed his class tonight with flying colors. Now I’m looking for another class for in the new year. Well, it’s time to put the little man to bed, give the senior her meds, and feed the feline.

Night all!

Medication changes can be hell. I was thinking this morning that I am fortunate to not have had many medication changes over the years. Mostly because I was very resistant to any change. Scared of what would happen, scared of what wouldn’t happen. By now, I tell my psychiatrist whatever, I don’t care!

Everyone reacts to each med differently. I have been a walking pharmacy at times. Right now I am on 4 different meds, but am in the process of cutting one out. Hence, I didn’t sleep last night. When I crash at night, I crash hard, when my brain shuts down, it turns off. Not last night. I crocheted till close to 2am, then I lay and looked at my Christmas lights outside. Was more clear-headed than during any day light hours. I actually felt close to Jesus, which hasn’t happened in a long, long while.

Anyways, I feel sick today. Sick to my stomach. Sick in my head. Just sick all around. I am still trying to get myself outside for a bit of a walk. The dogs need it so badly. I know I would feel better.

I went from being anorexic to 300 pounds in a short while. Maybe it’s no wonder that I still have joint problems. One medication made all my muscles contract right when I was falling asleep. Another one caused my muscles to twitch violently right before I would fall asleep. Insomnia, sleeping all day, hungry, not hungry, trembling hands, nausea. It sucks. It’s hard.

Trying medication after medication to see if “this one might make a difference.” Only one ever did. Cipralex. It made such a dramatic difference, I was shocked. I thought so this is what it is supposed to feel like when a medication works. This after years and years of trying all sorts of shit.

Would it be easier to not have the option of medication? Some people might call me crazy. But what about for you who have tried so many meds and nothing works? They just screw you up more. Would you rather there be no meds? So your doctor can’t say, well let’s try this one. Oh, here is a new med that might work. You know I’ve been thinking, we should try this one again. Maybe a combination will work. I say screw medications, but I know they have helped a lot of people.

Now that I have knocked medication, it’s almost time for me to take mine. Used to be that I had to be home before ten so I could take my pills and drop into bed one hour later or my system would be messed up for a few days

I haven’t written in a long time. Life has not been good. I wonder, is life good for anyone? I don’t think so. Everywhere I look there is pain, hurt, anger…. The list goes on and on. A high schooler wants to kill herself. A recent graduate doesn’t have any freinds because she is misunderstood. A Grandpa who sleeps all day cause he can’t do anything else. A dad and uncle who won’t have anything to do with each other. A Mother and Father who are miserable living together. A sister who is just starting to understand the depths of her issues. A newly wed brother who works far, far too much.

God, my heart aches for this to end. We all live in our little worlds of hurt, trying to cope on our own. Looking fine on the outside, dying on the inside. God, I am sick and tired of being here on earth. Western society is a terrible place to be situated. You’ve told me that my place is here. Right in Ridgewood. Right in the middle of the hurt and heart ache. I hate this place. I can’t find much beauty in it. It’s ugly, the cloud of despair and strife hangs above us, it’s choking us cause we keep it fed. God, I feel useless. I feel pointless. Feelings aren’t truth, but I am having a hard time. Just breathing has become hard for me. I trust You to keep carrying me, cause I can’t even pull myself forward on my hands and knees.

Depression is like a savage thief in the night.  It comes in a strips you empty, leaving a shell in its wake.

Went to my first membership meeting at church tonight. Boring as all get out. So why weren’t you there? Are membership meetings important? Why do we have membership meetings? There were about 20 people there today. Is 20 people a fair representation of the church as a whole? Do you care about the inner workings of the church? Do you have a right to complain about something if you don’t go to membership meetings? Just some things to think about.

I have been really struggling with depression again. Life is hard, life seems pointless. I am sad, sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, that my brain chemistry doesn’t function like it should. Is this my life? Long months of depression interspersed with brief moments of being OK? I don’t want it to be.

This is my lovely co-worker who I can’t name, but she works in admissions with me. There are only two of us, but I just can’t name names. She is modelling one of my toques, but requested anonymity. One more happy dance tomorrow.

Not sure what to write. Depression, sadness and utter hopelessness are back in my life again. Couple that with exhaustion and poor nutrition and life isn’t worth much anymore.

I spent some time with a high school girl this week because she is hurting so badly. I thought, what gives me the right to do this? Just because I hurt along with her, doesn’t mean that I can do her any good. In fact, I might harm her further.

Last night I had small groups with my junior high girls. It was a photo-op. We brought clothes, make-up and props and took pictures all evening. I couldn’t get into it, didn’t have fun. These girls are 12-13 years old. Sure, they are old enough to know that life isn’t a bed of roses, but should they be subjected to me? Am I horrible for them? When we had prayer time, I said that I struggled with depression and was feeling quite down right now. Is that fair to them? Should they have someone who can be happy? I don’t know. These are just some questions that I have. I can definitely understand the struggles they have with parents/siblings. The anger issues. I can understand low self-esteem. I can connect with these girls on a deep level. Does that count for enough? I am not a full-fledged youth leader, I am just helping out. I suppose that doesn’t help my doubts any. They can get rid of me if they want without any hassle.

Part of me wants to claim, I have Jesus beside me and we can do incredible things together. But I also don’t want to be naive.

Feedback would be appreciated.

donna marie